Oo-er

  OO-ER       I can't make up my mind   Am I afraid of my own shadow?   Or am I a shadow of my former self?   My former self??   Do I mean I was something else?   Jesus!   Do I have to wait til...

Dead Serious

  DEAD SERIOUS       I've been driven to despair   I've been driven round the bend   Up the wall   To distraction       I am now beyond repair   Beyond a chance to mend   Off the ball   No...

Dago Dazzler

  DAGO DAZZLER       We all know Botticelli   He ate just vermicelli   Inside was a knot   So he farted a lot   His botty was rather smelly       And when not at a disco   He was up there...

Hey You!

  HEY YOU !       Hey you! Yeah, you   You got no style   There's nothing to cramp   You're a squib and you're damp       Hey you! Yeah, you   After a while   I find you too much   You're...

Bongo Lingo

  BONGO LINGO       It's all Greek to me   He's speaking double Dutch   Lost in the fog of Frog   The Swiss, I'll give a miss   Abolish the Polish   And make the Spanish vanish   And a hoodoo on Hindu...

The Girl from Peru

  THE GIRL FROM PERU       'So ! You want to leave'   'I do'   'Who is she?'   'A girl from Peru.'   'PERU???' That'll never do!'   'Well, it'll bloody have to!'   'But is this really true?'   ...

Measurements

  MEASUREMENTS       When passion's run its course   Do we ask for a divorce?   Where do we go from here?   To eternity?       When fashion is out of mode   Do we land in Tobacco Road?   The...

The Good Old Days

  THE GOOD OLD DAYS       The quality of time is strained   Progress is meant to improve   Of what I see, I don't approve   And much I'd like to remove       Give me back the good old days   Today, I...

Betrayal

  BETRAYAL       Well I do declare!   I'm so disarranged   Life just isn't fair   I feel I've been short-changed       I put my best foot forward   No-one can deny   I gave it all so freely ...

Twisted Tale

  TWISTED TALE     Take some drastic steps Bring the dead to life Revive the heart perhaps It's how you use the knife   This metamorphosis Such a sudden change Has a useful purpose To leave behind the strange  ...

The Turning Point

  THE TURNING POINT       Are you a prime mover?   In a seat, are you the driver?   You could be the turning point   In someone's life       Do you know where you're going?   Do you reap where you're...

Age before Beauty

      AGE BEFORE BEAUTY       Myra was an actress   She used to have to undress   All she had to bare   And she was well aware       You needed to be smart   Take off to get the part   ...

Questions

  QUESTIONS       'What is sperm, Daddy?'   'It's white stuff, sonny'   'Is it runny, Daddy?'   'Yes and isn't funny'       'Have I got any, Daddy?'   'Don't be so damn silly!'   'What about my...

Playing Marbles

  PLAYING MARBLES       Random behavior   Sticking out your neck   When unexpected   You've become a wreck       Trying cold turkey   Stop doing what?   Face it, you're abnormal   Your...

The Stone Age

  THE STONE AGE       When irate turns to hate   See the pupils dilate   Go sound the alarm   Anger's out to harm       You'll see the possessive   Becoming aggressive   Then the harmonic  ...

Critics

  CRITICS       Those who criticise   Seem to think they're wise   They always see the error   And care not who's the bearer       There's ruin in the wake   Of their castigating take   On...

AAAA (ACCREDITED ANAL AIR ANALYST)

  AAAA   (ACCREDITED ANAL AIR ANALYST)       Hi, my name's Nugent   I'm a special agent   I deal with the offensive   I'm good, but I'm expensive       I was sent by head office   To detect anal...

Change of Life

  CHANGE OF LIFE       I'm sorry to bother you but   Is there just cause to pause my meno?   Er...well anyway       I'd written to an optician   About his omission   To charge commission   He...

Schitzo

  SCHITZO       I am a contradiction   The Bewildered Sage   Inside, there's lots of friction   I haven't come of age       I know I have the wisdom   But that I can't apply   Why do I feel a...

Puberty

  PUBERTY       Shaggy had dandruff   In his armpits and his crutch   Cures, he would not hear of   And combs, he'd hardly touch   He quickly picked up clinkers   In the cracks of his arse   It drove...

Big Softy

  BIG SOFTY       I pulled out ma rocket   Alas, abortive launch   I then pulled up ma troosers   And went and had ma lunch       Refreshed, I then returned   But the slut had gone   I was most...

Insect to Injury

  INSECT TO INJURY       I once met a wasp   It really made me gasp   Sure, I got stung   On my tongue       Now that was really nasty   An insect very testy   A bad attitude   Met with...

Earful

  EARFUL       I had a minor role   In all this rigmarole   There's so much ballyhoo   'Bout nothing much ado       Just a grope for a nipple   It caused quite a ripple   Of myself I made an ass...

Chef's Special

  CHEF'S SPECIAL       Bird nest's soup   Without the broth   Without the froth   A feathered folly       Silly Billy goat stew   Without the horns   Without the bones   A sort of ragout...