Now and Then

  NOW AND THEN       I suppose I'm living in the present tense   Yet Now seems to be lacking in common sense   What I bought for a penny now costs forty pence   The thought of current prices makes me wince    ...

Aberdeen Angus

  ABERDEEN ANGUS       Here's a tale of Aberdeen Angus   One, you might say, ridiculous   But Angus, as a man, was adventurous   And sadly, his troubles were disastrous       One day, what really angered...

Colourless

  COLOURLESS       Red gets me mad   But crimson much madder   Cobalt makes me blue   In fact a lot sadder       Yellow makes me crawl   Under a stone   Too much green is mean   Makes me...

The Big Dipper

  THE BIG DIPPER       A contraceptive should be protective   But a hole - it could happen   A stretch mark in the rubber   At least that's what I reckon       And me, I'm sorry, am big   Always...

Dirty Gerty

  DIRTY GERTY       A slight explosion of wind   Her tiny arse has just blasted   I wouldn't say she has sinned   That depends on how long it lasted       I don't want to hammer the point   Or make a...

Vintage

  VINTAGE       My poxy house is full of knick-knacks   People who come say I lack taste   They look up to the ceiling, see the cracks   Yes, I've a bad name, I'm disgraced       They see on the floor my...

Monkeys

  MONKEYS       Adam had a rib   Eve used to joke about it   There but for fortune   She used to say       Someone told a fib   God even spoke about it   Man was a baboon   They got sent...

An Ode to Oles

  AN ODE TO OLES       At this time of yole   I get a lot of mole   It's much more than I nole   I fole       Some things are importole   Stuff that's forgortabole   And indispensibole   I...

Barking Mad

  BARKING MAD       I'm going to pop in next door to borrow   In truth, there's nothing that I need   Her small and round and shiny eyes shall narrow   There are mean people in Berwick-on-tweed       Yes...

The Deflowering of Youth

  THE DEFLOWERING OF YOUTH       There was a bloke called Baden-Powell   Scout Master always on the prowl   He ploughed into young bums with his trowel   Methinks that was pretty foul       Later on, he set...

The Pick Up

  THE PICK UP       Strictly come dancing? Can't compete   Am rather plain, have two left feet   If the truth be told, I prefer to lose   Gimme sympathy, I dig the Blues       Sweet melancholy, my humble...

The Bore

  THE BORE       I delight in boring people   It's good to see them yawn   Fools so accessible   I start at crack of dawn       I knock, smile and enter   And get a cup of tea   Make sure I'm at...

In The Beginning

  IN THE BEGINNING       In the Beginning was the Turd   It arrived before the Word   But that wasn't taught or heard   And of course history's blurred       Well, I'll explain it to you, dude   It's...

Perversity

  PERVERSITY   You know, I don't feel so bad That doesn't sound too wrong What isn't the matter is good I told me hysterically   I don't want to sound positive Just accept it all won't happen It's the most I could do ...

Perversity

  PERVERSITY       You know, I don't feel so bad   That doesn't sound too wrong   What isn't the matter is good   I told me hysterically       I don't want to sound positive   Just accept it all won't...

Action Delay

  ACTION DELAY       Is 'many' too many of 'any'?   Now don't be so bloody silly   For that thought I'll give you a penny   Now go and play with your willy       Don't stop to dilly and dally   ...

Have a Nice Day

  HAVE A NICE DAY       'Thank you, sir. Have a nice day'   Really? Then show me the way   Is she interested? Does she care?   It's a load of shit that people say       The day I'm having isn't nice   ...

Desideratum

        O desideratum !   How I love thy bottom !   But shall avoid thy rectum   That is verboten !       I have rules, I am German   Yes, they call me Herman   No, it's not a sermon   I'm...

Forbidden Fruit

  FORBIDDEN FRUIT Strawberry patch Fruit to catch Save from birds And their turds Raspberry blown From an old crone Destroyed my nose You don't want one of those Blackberry bush One little push Thorns in your hand Something...

Too Late To Learn

  TOO LATE TO LEARN       Since I've started sinning   I'm at my wits beginning   Since she's gone and left me   I'm barking up the right tree   There's things to be adjourned   I shall leave some rocks...

Time of the Month

  TIME OF THE MONTH       The scene could be unspeakable   Blood seen on the boat   Menstrual? Sounds plausible   Knickers were afloat       A case, perhaps, of stitched grievance   Of a man who held...

The Bugler

  THE BUGLER           The social world today is a jungle   To find a partner, stop being single   They all go to places just to mingle   Finding the right one is a struggle       Complicated love can...

Balkan Blues

  BALKAN BLUES     I'm in a bit of a jam People out there don't give a damn But I'm innocent as a lamb I'm a nice guy, I really am   I don't quite know where to start I was in a play acting a part Suddenly, I just had...

There's Nowt so Queer as Folk

        THERE'S NOWT SO QUEER AS FOLK       I have a technique   To show the the kind of folk   Everyone's a freak   All mirrors and smoke       Some people need a push   All we need's a...

Puss in Boot

  PUSS IN BOOT   I heard a noise, it made me jump 'Twas the exhaust, you silly chump! It sounded odd and could be cod It certainly was fishy   I stopped the car, got out, inspect Looked in the boot, tried to detect There...