Betrayal

  BETRAYAL       Well I do declare!   I'm so disarranged   Life just isn't fair   I feel I've been short-changed       I put my best foot forward   No-one can deny   I gave it all so freely ...

Twisted Tale

  TWISTED TALE     Take some drastic steps Bring the dead to life Revive the heart perhaps It's how you use the knife   This metamorphosis Such a sudden change Has a useful purpose To leave behind the strange  ...

The Turning Point

  THE TURNING POINT       Are you a prime mover?   In a seat, are you the driver?   You could be the turning point   In someone's life       Do you know where you're going?   Do you reap where you're...

Age before Beauty

      AGE BEFORE BEAUTY       Myra was an actress   She used to have to undress   All she had to bare   And she was well aware       You needed to be smart   Take off to get the part   ...

Questions

  QUESTIONS       'What is sperm, Daddy?'   'It's white stuff, sonny'   'Is it runny, Daddy?'   'Yes and isn't funny'       'Have I got any, Daddy?'   'Don't be so damn silly!'   'What about my...

Playing Marbles

  PLAYING MARBLES       Random behavior   Sticking out your neck   When unexpected   You've become a wreck       Trying cold turkey   Stop doing what?   Face it, you're abnormal   Your...

The Stone Age

  THE STONE AGE       When irate turns to hate   See the pupils dilate   Go sound the alarm   Anger's out to harm       You'll see the possessive   Becoming aggressive   Then the harmonic  ...

Critics

  CRITICS       Those who criticise   Seem to think they're wise   They always see the error   And care not who's the bearer       There's ruin in the wake   Of their castigating take   On...

AAAA (ACCREDITED ANAL AIR ANALYST)

  AAAA   (ACCREDITED ANAL AIR ANALYST)       Hi, my name's Nugent   I'm a special agent   I deal with the offensive   I'm good, but I'm expensive       I was sent by head office   To detect anal...

Change of Life

  CHANGE OF LIFE       I'm sorry to bother you but   Is there just cause to pause my meno?   Er...well anyway       I'd written to an optician   About his omission   To charge commission   He...

Schitzo

  SCHITZO       I am a contradiction   The Bewildered Sage   Inside, there's lots of friction   I haven't come of age       I know I have the wisdom   But that I can't apply   Why do I feel a...

Puberty

  PUBERTY       Shaggy had dandruff   In his armpits and his crutch   Cures, he would not hear of   And combs, he'd hardly touch   He quickly picked up clinkers   In the cracks of his arse   It drove...

Big Softy

  BIG SOFTY       I pulled out ma rocket   Alas, abortive launch   I then pulled up ma troosers   And went and had ma lunch       Refreshed, I then returned   But the slut had gone   I was most...

Insect to Injury

  INSECT TO INJURY       I once met a wasp   It really made me gasp   Sure, I got stung   On my tongue       Now that was really nasty   An insect very testy   A bad attitude   Met with...

Earful

  EARFUL       I had a minor role   In all this rigmarole   There's so much ballyhoo   'Bout nothing much ado       Just a grope for a nipple   It caused quite a ripple   Of myself I made an ass...

Chef's Special

  CHEF'S SPECIAL       Bird nest's soup   Without the broth   Without the froth   A feathered folly       Silly Billy goat stew   Without the horns   Without the bones   A sort of ragout...

Neck Freak

  NECK FREAK       Most I know belong to a clique   But me, I seek to be unique   'Tis true, Nature made quite a gaffe   My neck belongs to a giraffe       I form no part of any circle   I find people...

Size is Important

  SIZE IS IMPORTANT       I was standing at the urinal   Then the boss arrived, it was abysmal   Even worse, it was criminal   Too small to be a spectacle       "How's it going?" he asked, looking aside ...

Young Man from Perth (Australian version)

  YOUNG MAN FROM PERTH (AUSTRALIAN VERSION)       There was a young man from Perth   More trouble than he was worth   He farted a lot   More often than not   And should have been strangled at birth  

Tourists

  TOURISTS       Every year we have too many tourists   Even one is far too many   They all hire a bike, become cyclists   On one, I even saw a granny       They go on the rampage, look for food   All...

Evicted

  EVICTED       I am a person most afflicted   My wife has just had me evicted   I'm now living in the shed   There's no cooker, no toilet and no bed       She said she's fed up with my dirt   'What...

When I was young

  WHEN I WAS YOUNG       When I was young, very young   I had no words   I just saw pictures   Mostly faces, covered in sweat   Sticky hands, pawing me   Old ladies to be kissed   The smell of...

Situation Vacant

  SITUATION VACANT       I've gone and got myself a new job   I'm just one of a few, 'New firm!' says Bob   And everyone I see has a label   'Here's your boss!' said Bob, pointing to Mabel       Well, I've...

Revelation

  REVELATION       I must say from the outset   There are people I intend to upset   In a hurry, they won't forget   I'll bet       Let me say this is no idle threat   I haven't happened to them yet...