RUMOURS

  RUMOURS       There are heartless types abroad, are they not,   those suffering from suburban frigidity   I have overheard, discernible murmurs,   that I tell unbearable gags to visitors,   that I wear a...

THE GAMBLER

  THE GAMBLER       Permeated spendthrift   on the brink of obstinacy,   his mind riddled with pockmarks   of previous wasteful outings   Spellbinding partnerships with telling robbers   Apprehensive...

MOCK THE FLOCK

  MOCK THE FLOCK       We, the superficial fold   The hapless deer with defective eyes   Who live in muddled hope   Beg our cautious Creator   Who dealt a wicked hand   Brought us in His ill-fated cart  ...

FROZEN ICE

  FROZEN ICE       I look for a girl with a glint in her eye   A wordy wench, a tautological miss   To tell of the significantly important,   Evidently obvious, the transparently see-through   The unconsciously...

Exclusion Zone

  EXCLUSION ZONE       We talk of modernized   Where truth is sodomized   Countries, people, rape   Most lose hope, can't cope       We're on the witching track   We can't find our way back   We...

Clearly Departed

  CLEARLY DEPARTED       I think I'll have him cremated   Confounded faces all around   Of course I've cancelled the coffin   No place for him in the ground       Yes, it's been a mangled morning   ...

Zoned Out

  ZONED OUT     I'm doing a roaring trade In the task of explaining myself I'm reaching a vanishing point Am somewhere on a shelf   A sophisticated sniffer Of jam butties in the mines I beg to agree to differ I...

Damsel in Distress

  DAMSEL IN DISTRESS       Sir Fuckalot was playing   With himself at chess   But he got a summons   From a damsel in distress       He heard those plaintive cries   His manhood on alert   He...

Disposing of the Body

  DISPOSING OF THE BODY       An old-fashioned face, a relic   The top of his head, monastic   I detected a glimmer of grimness   A creep with an air of coldness       There was a hint of horror   He...

Fate Lends a Hand

  FATE LENDS A HAND       Is there such a thing as Fate?   Has it got a mind?   Has it got it in for you   To make your mind unwind?       Now it's going to make you late   On a vital day   Too...

Return to Sender

  RETURN TO SENDER       He'd bought a pig in a poke   A mail order bride   Her neck he wanted to choke   And throw the bag outside       The picture she had sent   Was a monstrous lie   One of...

Johnny on the Spot

  JOHNNY ON THE SPOT       There's many miles I travel   To see a creature grovel   I want an easy woman   One that's really common       I'm attracted by the smell   Of her holy well   ...

Antique Cock

  ANTIQUE COCK       He'd talked of his colossus   But I was suspicious   I was waiting to see it unfurled   It turned out to be fictitious   I wouldn't call it vicious   And not the seventh wonder of the...

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

  WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING       In a gullible world, a host of imposters   A bogus Jesus, many pretenders   And fool's gold is so easily sold   People believe, believe what they're told       Peering...

Agony Aunt

  AGONY AUNT       Do I go to church? No, I don't   In what I should do, I'm defiant   Will you ever go? No, I won't   As you can see, I'm self-reliant       I have a phobic aunt who jumps   Every...

Gripe at Tripe

  GRIPE AT TRIPE       Deemed to be a great writer   Great? No debate, he was rotten   More a hack than creator   Now dead and soon forgotten       Had the world in his pocket   Regrettable but the...

Oo-er

  OO-ER       I can't make up my mind   Am I afraid of my own shadow?   Or am I a shadow of my former self?   My former self??   Do I mean I was something else?   Jesus!   Do I have to wait til...

Dead Serious

  DEAD SERIOUS       I've been driven to despair   I've been driven round the bend   Up the wall   To distraction       I am now beyond repair   Beyond a chance to mend   Off the ball   No...

Dago Dazzler

  DAGO DAZZLER       We all know Botticelli   He ate just vermicelli   Inside was a knot   So he farted a lot   His botty was rather smelly       And when not at a disco   He was up there...

Hey You!

  HEY YOU !       Hey you! Yeah, you   You got no style   There's nothing to cramp   You're a squib and you're damp       Hey you! Yeah, you   After a while   I find you too much   You're...

Bongo Lingo

  BONGO LINGO       It's all Greek to me   He's speaking double Dutch   Lost in the fog of Frog   The Swiss, I'll give a miss   Abolish the Polish   And make the Spanish vanish   And a hoodoo on Hindu...

The Girl from Peru

  THE GIRL FROM PERU       'So ! You want to leave'   'I do'   'Who is she?'   'A girl from Peru.'   'PERU???' That'll never do!'   'Well, it'll bloody have to!'   'But is this really true?'   ...

Measurements

  MEASUREMENTS       When passion's run its course   Do we ask for a divorce?   Where do we go from here?   To eternity?       When fashion is out of mode   Do we land in Tobacco Road?   The...

The Good Old Days

  THE GOOD OLD DAYS       The quality of time is strained   Progress is meant to improve   Of what I see, I don't approve   And much I'd like to remove       Give me back the good old days   Today, I...